On September 17th, shortly after 1:13pm, something happened to me that I will never, EVER forget. When my sweet baby boy was placed on my chest for the first time, shortly after making his grand entrance into this world, I wept. Instantly, I felt the tears overflowing and my heart growing in a manner far beyond my control. The emotions that rushed over me were so deep and so strong, unlike anything I have ever felt before. I am sure in that moment, I became connected to my child in a way I cannot fully explain. I am also sure that in that moment, my heart became fragile.
So fast forward to this Friday, when my little love is overtaken by his first fever. I knew we could not avoid it forever, and I know there will be many to come, but when you have a fragile mother’s heart, fevers become more than numbers and heat. This was an attack on my heart. My helplessness felt so overwhelming.
Finally, the fever has passed and my sweet Little Man is sleeping soundly once more; relief washes over me again and again. With each passing wave that washes over me, I realize, this experience was about more than illness and helplessness. It was ultimately about love. Becoming a mother has made me even more amazed by this gift of love. The depth of and complexity of love’s work leave me in awe. It’s so perplexing that love makes this mother’s heart so full and so fragile all at once. I like that someone explained it this way:
“Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.”
This fragile heart that has been forever changed by the love for a son, represents something eternal. It’s something bigger than myself or my son; it’s bigger than the sense of time. Ultimately I think it is a reminder to be present, forgetting the beginnings and having no fear of the end. A reminder that even when the fevers of life surround me, the gift of love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. This fragile heart, this love, never ends.