On September 17th, shortly after 1:13pm, something happened to me that I will never, EVER forget. When my sweet baby boy was placed on my chest for the first time, shortly after making his grand entrance into this world, I wept. Instantly, I felt the tears overflowing and my heart growing in a manner far beyond my control. The emotions that rushed over me were so deep and so strong, unlike anything I have ever felt before. I am sure in that moment, I became connected to my child in a way I cannot fully explain. I am also sure that in that moment, my heart became fragile.
So fast forward to this Friday, when my little love is overtaken by his first fever. I knew we could not avoid it forever, and I know there will be many to come, but when you have a fragile mother’s heart, fevers become more than numbers and heat. This was an attack on my heart. My helplessness felt so overwhelming.
Finally, the fever has passed and my sweet Little Man is sleeping soundly once more; relief washes over me again and again. With each passing wave that washes over me, I realize, this experience was about more than illness and helplessness. It was ultimately about love. Becoming a mother has made me even more amazed by this gift of love. The depth of and complexity of love’s work leave me in awe. It’s so perplexing that love makes this mother’s heart so full and so fragile all at once. I like that someone explained it this way:
“Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.”
This fragile heart that has been forever changed by the love for a son, represents something eternal. It’s something bigger than myself or my son; it’s bigger than the sense of time. Ultimately I think it is a reminder to be present, forgetting the beginnings and having no fear of the end. A reminder that even when the fevers of life surround me, the gift of love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. This fragile heart, this love, never ends.
Though they may look like mere baby bottles, I assure you, they are much more. This Baby Bottle Army is, in fact, pure evil. Somewhere, buried deep on some mystical level that is hidden to the mommy eye, lies some very dark magic. I mean, it must be dark magic that causes this sweet, smiling, happy guy….
to morph into a screaming, big-real-tear-producing, inconsolable fellow.
“Wait. You want me to eat out of WHAT??”
Why else would he refuse to use one?? I mean, clearly they must be eating his soul….that’s why he cries like that….right??
This Bottle Battle has raged on for several weeks now and there definitely have been some casualties. I definitely feel my heart breaking that EVERY TIME I hear that so sad cry….and I may have shed a few tears at work this week… which may have led to me eating my I’m-a-bad-mommy-feelings away with a bag of caramel popcorn… But that’s how war goes I suppose. The problem is, the longer this battle continues, and the more the casualties that stack up, the more I am sure I am loosing. Not that anyone is keeping score, but I am pretty sure after tonight it’s Nemesis=900, Mommy=-40. Nonetheless, I refuse to give up. I will strap on my Super Mommy Cape and continue to fight this battle. I will find a way to defeat this soul-sucking dark magic that I do not yet understand. And I vow this to my Little Man: I WILL find a way for you to eat while I am away at work that doesn’t ultimately require hours upon hours of screaming and Mommy having to leave work and come home to breastfeed… You may be winning the battle Baby Bottle Army, but we will win the war!
I find myself thinking more and more about my Human Growth and Development class in grad school just a few short years ago. I am constantly, desperately try to remember all the important milestones and benchmarks and environmental factors that help a little person grow into a well-adjusted adult. While my current sleep-deprived self struggles to remember it all, I am able to recall a few important things, like tummy time…
Tummy time is important for Little Man’s muscle development. And even though he may hate it from time to time, it helps him reach those important milestones that will lead to the pitter-patter of little feet soon… all too soon.
Because time does move so quickly, our little family has to intentionally wrap ourselves in quality time, soaking up each and every moment. QT is also SUPER is important for healthy attachment. I could go into some boring citations here, but I’ll spare the tech-talk and just say babies who are securely attached to their parents develop healthy autonomy later in life.
And I want that for my Little Man. I want him to be secure in us as parents. Not so we “successfully” form his world to what we see fit, but rather so he knows it’s safe to create his own world and explore his own self, all the while knowing we are there to support and love him every step along the way.
Which reminds me of something else that is important…LOVE
“…the soul of Jonathan was bound to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” -1 Samuel 18:1 b
This one is my favorite… on so many levels. Because after all, “the greatest of these is love.”
So…. I experienced a small life change back in September; I became a mom 🙂 And as much as I hate to give that horrible song credit, a baby really DOES change everything. But just as bad as that song is, our little baby has changed everything for the good. And since I now feel the need to document every smile and moment, I have decided to try this blogging thing yet again to help document him…
Every little part…
in the happy and sad…
And all the moments in between…
Because my heart, my outlook, and my life surely changed. All because of a baby.
In addition to my love of books and photography, I think sewing is a pretty dang neat! Scarfs, quilts, kindle covers, awesome fabrics… I mean what’s NOT to love? While I love all of these thing individually, I like it even more when two of my favorite things collide. That happened last night. I recently found a link for a D.I.Y. Camera Cozy on Pinterest the other day and I got the itch to make it.
Let’s just go ahead and add poka dots to the list of things I love.
I made a few tweaks with mine version. I used some quilting fat quarters and some batting instead of a dress like the original. I also added a lining and a extra closure loop for the strap to pass through. So far so good. I don’t think it will replace my heavy duty camera bag, but it is a cute and simple addition.
Isn’t the pop of blue lining happy?!
Bonus Points: If you like this and want more photography sewing projects, I also made my own personal camera strap using this tutorial. I love personal, bright accessories!! Enjoy friends… and most importantly, click and sew on!
This weekend we celebrated my sweet husband’s 30th birthday. After much planning, I think it is safe to say, his 30’s started with a bang! There was plenty of family time, snacks, gaming, out-of-town friends, in-town friends and stories to last for days… literally.
Even with all the fun, a 30th birthday can bring with it lots of questions for my pensive husband, as any major life event tends to do. While I don’t have the answers to what life now holds for him, I do know that I love this man with all my heart. His smile. His heart. His wisdom and faith. His love of fun. His love for me. All of those things and more let me know that, I don’t have to have the answer to all the questions either of us will ask in these upcoming years. I just need to sit back and enjoy the ride with this amazing-30-year-old. Here’s to the next 30 together!
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
Like most people resolve at the start of a new year, I have been trying to eat healthier. With that goal in mind, I made a two dishes this weekend so I would have some yummy and healthy go-to meals for the week. One of those meals was a vegan quinoa and sweet potato chili that my awesome sister (in-law) introduced me to. It is super super yummy!
Are you hungry yet?
As you can see, I topped it off with some equally yummy avocado. Since my first bowl was SO YUMMY (have I mentioned that is was yummy ;)) I decided to go back for a second helping… don’t judge me. But when I did, I noticed, I could not find the avocado… not anywhere.
Trash can…. Nope.
There. Was. No. Sign of that thing. Then it hit me… Check the bedroom! Super logical, I know, but when you live with a three-year-old-95-pound-I-put-everything-in-my-mouth-lab like Big Dog, it actually is.
So I walked into our bedroom, and low and behold…
The not-so-clever-thief returning to the scene of the crime!
The mystery of the missing avocado had been solved! It sure looked like he had eaten The. WHOLE. Thing. Pit. And. All. But lucky me found out he had stashed the pit away. He’s sneaky like that, and I am sure he wasn’t quite pleased with the damage he had already done. He needed to follow up his thievery with side of mess making. Right before I went to bed I heard him chewing on something, which turned out to be the missing pit. He was even kind enough to leave a GIANT reddish-brown stain on the carpet next to his bed. Oh Big Dog….
And he would have gotten away with too, if it wasn’t for that meddling second helping!
I have many holidays that I enjoy… Christmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday 🙂 A lot the BIG days top my list. However, there is one holiday that doesn’t get fancy gifts or big vacation plans, in fact many of us don’t even get to miss work for this day. And still it has a special place in my heart. Today is that holiday: MLK Day. This day does such good for my soul. I know the man wasn’t perfect, but he gives me hope. This man represented love, when others represented hate. On days when I feel overwhelmed by the darkness in this world, I often stop and read a bit of light…
“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.”
– Martin Luther King Jr.
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
– Martin Luther King Jr.
So today, I will stop and remember. I will soak up the warmth of the light, knowing that even in the darkest of times, we can make a difference.
So, today was kinda a bummer of a work day for me. You know, those days when everything is just…. wrong…. yup that was my day. Luckily, things got better this evening with my sweet husband there to listen, my small group to support me and my puppies to provide so much need cuddly puppy therapy. I mean just look at these guys…
…Don’t you want to just cuddle up with them? They are the best at puppy therapy!
“A dog is the only thing on this earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” ~ Josh Billings
“The little furry buggers are just deep, deep wells you throw all your emotions into.” ~ Bruce Schimmel